You’re in a conversation with someone, and they ask you a question. You begin to answer, and they’re looking directly into your eyes.
But you sense they’re a million miles away.
Maybe it’s their lack of facial response. Maybe it’s the quick glance away, distracted by something else. Maybe it’s when their next statement has nothing to do with what you just said.
It also happens when you’re in a meeting and give your input, and nobody acknowledges your contribution.
It happens when your teenagers first learn how to roll their eyes.
You feel like you’re talking into thin air.
We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s an occasional isolated conversation. Other times, it’s a pattern.
When it happens, it’s easy to think, “What’s wrong with me?”
When people listen to us, it shows that they value what we think – which builds our confidence. We have something to contribute. We matter, and we make a difference.
When they don’t listen, our confidence drops – because it feels like our ideas don’t matter.
Three Options
When we’re ignored, it’s easy to take it personally. If we had something valuable to say, they’d listen, right? Since they’re not listening, we must be the problem.
Actually, there are three options:
- It could be their problem.
- It could be our problem.
- It could be a communication problem.
It’s probably a combination of the three. Let’s explore each one:
When it’s their problem
When other people don’t listen to us, it might not be about us at all:
- They could be tired
- They could be distracted.
- They could be going through a challenging personal journey.
- They could be a person who’s not very expressive with their feelings.
- They could simply not be interested in what you’re talking about.
It’s dangerous to make assumptions about what others are thinking, because we’re usually wrong. We interpret their actions and responses based on our perspective – but it’s important to consider their perspective, too.
In some cases, they’re only interested in themselves. No matter what we say, they’re in their own world. They’re narcissistic – which means that if it’s not about them, they have trouble being interested in others.
Any time our self-worth is based on someone else’s behavior, we’re in trouble. We can influence others, but the chance of changing them is pretty small.
When it’s your problem
Have you ever been in a conversation at a social event, and the other person tells you that you have broccoli stuck in your teeth?
It’s painful and embarrassing, but at least you know. Once you know, you can do something about it – and you’re grateful that they cared enough to point it out.
Communication is like that, too. We can have “blind spots” about how we communicate that everyone knows, but nobody tells you. If you don’t know, you can’t fix it.
Introverts often feel that they can’t change anything because it’s “just who they are.” True, you can’t change your basic temperament. But you can learn how to communicate in a way that capitalizes on your quiet personality.
The good news? We have the ability to change. But to make that happen, we have to know what the problem is.
How do we find out?
When it’s a communication problem
When people don’t listen to you, it doesn’t mean you have no worth. It might mean that you might have some ineffective communication techniques, but you don’t realize it.
Here are some of the possible reasons people don’t listen to you:
- You don’t look for connection. You’re holding up you’re end of the conversation, but there’s no common ground. You make it about you, not about them.
- You over-explain. Even if they’re interested, they can lose interest if you’re giving point-by-point details. Conversations work best with an “executive summary,” not the entire book.
- You interrupt. When they’re talking, you think of something related that happened to you, so you tell your story. If they haven’t finished their own story, you’ve switched the attention away from them and onto yourself. It implies that your stuff is more valuable than their stuff.
- You chase rabbit trails. What you’re saying starts out OK, but you take one point in a different direction, then another – until you’re completely off track.
- You don’t have a learning attitude. If you think you’re right all the time, it can send the message that you think they’re usually wrong. Healthy conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
- You’re negative. When you give a worst-case scenario to anything they say, it sucks the energy out of any conversation.
- You’re sarcastic. Humor is a powerful tool, and sarcasm is a high form of humor – and a tough one to use well. It usually comes across as passive-aggressive and drives others away from meaningful connections.
- You’re too loud/soft/fast. People have different capacity for absorbing information. If they have to work too hard to catch it, they’ll eventually stop listening.
These don’t reflect on your personal worth; they’re just little pieces of broccoli that can get in the way. Understanding them is the first step toward fixing them.
How to Get People to Listen
With a few simple techniques, you can immediately see and feel greater connections when you’re with others. Try these simple steps:
Keep your side of the conversation simple. Make one point, explain it briefly, then ask for their thoughts.
Do a time check. When you call someone or drop into their cubicle, always start with, “Is this a good time?” If it’s not, reschedule. Give them a time frame and ask when they might be available. “What would be a good time for you? I’ll just need 10 minutes.” Then end promptly at the agreed-upon time. They’ll be more inclined to meet in the future when you keep your commitments.
Make it about them. You can share your own stories and ideas, but make sure every conversation brings value to the other person. When you show interest in them, they’ll be much more inclined to show attention to you.
Take notes. Keep a small notebook with you everywhere you go. When someone says something interesting, say, “Just a second . . . I want to capture that. It was really good. Could you please repeat it?” When appropriate (like in a work setting), shoot them a quick text or email telling them how you implemented their idea and thanking them for it.
Listen to others without judgment. Typically, we listen better to people we agree with. When you disagree with someone on something, explore their position without trying to change them. If you listen for understanding instead of planning your response, it builds respect.
Don’t say “and” so much. Share one idea at a time, and only one topic per sentence. People get overwhelmed when there’s too much to process and respond to.
Ask questions instead of giving advice. It allows the other person to explore their feelings, and they’ll learn to trust you. When they’re ready for your advice, they’ll ask. If they haven’t asked, it’s premature.
You Can Become Visible Again
Would you like people to listen to you? Don’t focus on what’s wrong with you; focus on how you communicate.
Want to jump-start your skill? Share this article with a close, trusted friend. Then take them out for coffee and ask for honest feedback about what they observe. If there’s enough trust in your relationship, they’ll share things that might be blind spots for you. It can feel risky, but it’s a gift to know what areas to focus on.
Review the ideas you’ve just read and see which ones apply most to you. They pick one technique that you can try in your next challenging conversation. Observe what happens, then try another.
You’ll discover an audience you never realized you had!
Need more ideas? Pick up a copy of How to Communicate with Confidence – a primer on the basics of communicating with confidence!