Do you ever feel invisible during one-on-one conversations? You’re talking, but others aren’t listening. When it happens repeatedly, you wonder what you’re doing wrong – and it can be discouraging. It can feel like there’s no solution, and it’ll never change.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Once you understand the reasons and factors that are contributing to it, you can take some simple steps to regain your voice with others. You’ll be able to gain their engagement without having to change your personality or become a hard-core extrovert.
They key is to focus on the things you can control in order to build healthy communication patterns. Let’s look at them in the context of three key issues that make up those patterns.
Nobody’s Listening
You’re in a conversation with someone, and they ask you a question. You begin to answer and they’re looking directly into your eyes.
But you sense they’re a million miles away.
Maybe it’s their lack of facial response. Maybe it’s the quick glance away, distracted by something else. Maybe it’s when their next statement has nothing to do with what you just said.
It also happens when you’re in a meeting and give your input, and nobody acknowledges your contribution.
It happens when your teenagers first learn how to roll their eyes.
You feel like you’re talking into thin air.
We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s an occasional isolated conversation. Other times, it’s a pattern.
When it happens, we often interpret it this way:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Our sense of value grows when we feel “heard.” When people listen to us, it shows that they value what we think – which builds our confidence. We have something to contribute. We matter, and we make a difference.
When it seems like people aren’t listening, we can feel like our thoughts don’t matter. That lowers our confidence because we don’t have anything worth contributing. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and anger.
Three Options
When we feel like people don’t listen to us, it’s natural to take it personally. If we had something valuable to say, they’d listen, right? Since they’re not listening, we must be the problem.
Actually, there are three options:
- It could be their problem.
- It could be our problem.
- It could be a communication problem.
In reality, it’s probably a combination of factors. Here are some things to consider in each case.
When it’s their problem
Other people might not listen to us, and it might not be about us at all:
- They could be tired
- They could be distracted.
- They could be going through a challenging personal journey.
- They could be a person who’s not very expressive with their feelings.
- They could simply not be interested in what you’re talking about.
It’s dangerous to make assumptions about what others are thinking. We interpret their actions and responses based on our perspective – but it’s important to consider their perspective, too.
If it’s pattern with that person, they could be a “toxic” person. No matter what we say, they’re in their own world. They’re narcissistic – which means that if it’s not about them, they have trouble being interested in others. If they listen, it’s not to hear your point of view; they’ve just developed an argumentative style of communication, and need to prove that they’re right (and you’re wrong).
Any time our self-worth is based on someone else’s behavior, we’re in trouble. We can influence others, but the chance of changing them is usually an exercise in futility.
When it’s your problem
Have you ever been in a conversation at a social event, and the other person tells you that you have broccoli stuck in your teeth?
It’s painful and embarrassing, but at least you know. Once you know, you can do something about it – and you’re grateful that they cared enough to point it out.
Communication is like that, too. We can have “blind spots” about how we communicate that everyone knows, but nobody tells you. If you don’t know, you can’t fix it.
Introverts often feel that they can’t change anything because it’s “just who they are.” It’s true that they can’t change their basic temperament, but they can make changes in their communication to capitalize on that quiet personality.
The good news is that we have the ability to make changes in ourselves. But in order to change, we have to know what the problem is.
How do we do that?
When it’s a communication problem
When people don’t listen to you, it doesn’t mean you have no worth. It might mean that there are some ineffective techniques you might be using, but you don’t realize it.
Here are some of the key reasons people don’t listen to you:
- You don’t look for connection. You’re holding up you’re end of the conversation, but there’s no common ground. You make it about you, not about them.
- You over-explain. Even if they’re interested, their attention will wane if you’re giving point-by-point details. Conversations work best with an “executive summary,” not the entire book.
- You interrupt. When they’re talking, you think of something that happened to you that relates, so you tell your story. If they haven’t finished their own story, you’ve put the attention on you instead of them. It comes across as rude and implies that your stuff is more valuable than what they were saying.
- You chase rabbit trails. What you’re saying starts out OK, but you take one point in a different direction, then another – until you’re completely off track.
- You don’t have a learning attitude. If you think you’re right all the time, it sends the message that you think they’re always wrong. Healthy conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.
- You’re usually negative. When people realize that you’ll give a worst-case scenario to anything they say, it sucks the energy out of any conversation.
- You’re sarcastic. Humor is a powerful tool, but sarcasm is a high form of humor – and a tough one to use well. It usually comes across as passive-aggressive and drives others away from meaningful connections.
- You’re too loud/soft/fast. People have different capacity for absorbing information. If they have to work too hard to catch it, they’ll eventually stop listening.
These don’t reflect on your personal worth; they’re just little pieces of broccoli that can get in the way. Understanding them is the first step toward fixing them.
How to Get People to Listen to You
It’s critical to refocus and see the communication patterns as the problem, not who you are. With a few simple techniques, you can immediately see and feel greater connections when you’re with others.
Try these simple steps:
Keep your side of the conversation simple. Make one point, explain it briefly, then ask for their thoughts.
Do a time check. When you call someone or drop into their cubicle, always start with, “Is this a good time?” If it’s not, reschedule. Give them a time frame and ask when they might be available. “What would be a good time for you? I’ll just need 10 minutes.” Then end promptly at the agreed-upon time. They’ll be more inclined to meet in the future when you keep your commitments.
Make it about them. You can share your own stories and ideas, but make sure every conversation brings value to the other person. When you show interest in them, they’ll be much more inclined to show attention to you.
Take notes. Keep a small notebook with you everywhere you go. When someone says something interesting, say, “Just a second . . . I want to capture that. It was really good. Could you please repeat it?” When appropriate (like in a work setting), shoot them a quick text or email telling them how you implemented their idea and thanking them for it.
Listen to others without judgment. Typically, we listen better to people we agree with. When you disagree with someone on something, explore their position without trying to change them. If you listen for understanding instead of planning your response, it builds respect.
Don’t say “and” so much. Share one idea at a time, and only one topic per sentence. People get overwhelmed when there’s too much to process and respond to.
Ask questions instead of giving advice. It allows the other person to explore their feelings, and they’ll learn to trust you. When they’re ready for your advice, they’ll ask. If they haven’t asked, it’s premature.
You Can Become Visible Again
Would you like people to listen to you? Don’t focus on what’s wrong with you; focus on how you communicate.
Want to jump-start your skill? Share this article with a close, trusted friend. Then take them out for coffee and ask for honest feedback about what they observe. If there’s enough trust in your relationship, they’ll share things that might be blind spots for you. It can feel risky, but it’s a gift to know what areas to focus on.
Review the ideas you’ve just read and see which ones apply most to you. They pick one technique that you can try in your next challenging conversation. Observe what happens, then try another.
You’ll discover an audience you never realized you had!