Someone says, “You’re not good enough.” How do you feel?
Someone else says, “I believe in you.” What does that do for you?
The first one is like holding the neck of a balloon, and slowly letting the air out. The second is like blowing it back up.
Isn’t it amazing how powerful words can be? When you’re on top of things, a few negative words can bring you down quickly. When you’re feeling down, the right words can bring you back to life.
The words you heard growing up did a lot to shape your attitude toward life. If you heard discouraging words, you tend to fight discouragement throughout your life. You didn’t choose those lenses, but they’re the ones that developed in those early days.
That’s why bullying is so tough on kids. They’re impressionable, and use other people as a mirror to discover what they’re actually like. When they hear critical comments from others, it’s tough to ignore them. It reinforces that “I’m not good enough” belief – and the results can be devastating.
If you were brought up in a “you can do it” environment, you probably have better tools to navigate life. But even then, discouraging words can bring you down.
It happens to all of us. We can feel on top of the world, and one person’s comments can take us into discouragement.
Why Do We Focus on the Negative?
When I teach seminars, people fill out evaluation forms at the end of the session. They rate the content, the relevance and the facilitator on a scale of 1-10. In talking to others who facilitate regularly, I found that we all approach those evaluations the same way:
- The first score we look at is the “facilitator” score, not “content.” We want to know how they feel about us.
- Out of 50 evaluations, we might have 49 positive scores and 1 negative score.
- We’re discouraged, because one person doesn’t like us.
Logic says that if 49 people like the session and one doesn’t, the one person is the issue. If 49 people don’t like the session, I’m the issue.
In the same way, why do single, negative experiences when we’re growing up become the lens we use to evaluate every relationship in the future? If somebody told us as a child that we were irritating, we go through life trying to avoid being an irritation to others.
It turns out there are actually psychological reasons for this. Recent brain research shows that our brains are wired for negative stimuli more than positive stimuli. One researcher said, “Our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences but like Teflon for positive ones.” We overestimate danger, and underestimate joy.
There’s a tiny part of the brain called the amygdala that’s responsible for such things. When it picks up a negative experience, it sends that experience into long-term storage immediately.
But if it’s a positive experience, it takes about 12 seconds before it gets stored.
Our brains are wired to go after bad news and ignore good news. We focus more on threats than opportunities. If we miss an opportunity, our brains tell us it’s OK – another one might come along tomorrow. But if we feel a threat, our brains remind us that it could mean pain that could last a long time.
In other words, it doesn’t take much for us to get discouraged. But knowing that, we can use the right words to pull someone up.
It’s Universal
The Smithsonian Institute has a display of the things President Abraham Lincoln was carrying with him the night he was assassinated. One of the articles is a worn-out newspaper clipping which celebrated his accomplishments as president. It reads: “Abe Lincoln is one of the greatest statesmen of all time.”
Everybody needs encouragement.
When I was in grad school, I remember the words of a psychology professor: “Discouragement is the toughest emotion to deal with alone. Anger, fear and other emotions have energy behind them, so you can channel that energy and do something about it. But when you’re discouraged, there’s no energy to work with. You need to borrow that energy from somebody else.”
We all get discouraged. It’s part of being human. When we’re discouraged, it’s hard to simply “decide to feel better.” That’s like running out of gas and hoping the tank fills itself. When it’s empty, it’s empty. We have to get fuel from somewhere else.
The words themselves give us a clue:
Dis-courage – to take the courage out of someone
En-courage – to put courage into someone
Think of a time when someone made a casual remark that sucked the wind out of you. They might not even know it happened, but their simple comment took the courage right out of you.
Think of another time when someone made a casual remark that poured life into you when you were down. Your tank was empty, and their simple comment filled it back up.
All of us have the ability to bring courage into another person’s life by caring enough to connect. It might not show on the surface, so we don’t always know when someone is down. But our casual comments will either move a person toward being bitter or better.
Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
That’s true for all of us. We all need encouragement, and we all have the ability to give it.
How to Encourage Others
Author and speaker John Maxwell tells of having the well-respected founder and CEO of a national restaurant chain over to his home for dinner. During the meal, his guest said, “John, do you know how to tell when someone needs encouragement?”
“No,” John replied. “How can you tell?”
“They’re breathing.”
What are some simple ways we can encourage another person?
- Think of what others do that encourages you, and do it for them.
- Hand-write a short note of thanks or encouragement that implies, “You’re not alone.”
- Catch them doing something right, and acknowledge it (publicly).
- Brag about them to someone else when that person isn’t around. (It’ll get back to them.)
- Spend time with them without checking your watch or phone.
- Take time for eyeball-to-eyeball, on-the-floor, undistracted contact with your kids.
- Write their boss a note when they’ve done something exceptional.
- In a restaurant, make eye contact with the server and find out something interesting about them. You may be the only one in their day who doesn’t see them as a servant.
- Listen without interrupting. Save your story for later.
- Don’t give advice when someone is hurting. Just be there.
- Believe in them. If they can’t believe in themselves, they can borrow it from you.
- Ask them for advice in an area of their passion or expertise.
- Remind them of how they’ve impacted your life in the past.
Being discouraged is like walking through a dark forest or down a deserted street at night. It’s scary on your own, but much less threatening when you’ve got someone next to you to share the experience.
Encouragement comes from people, and is given to people. In times of discouragement, we all need people we trust to come alongside us and build into our lives. They provide the courage when we can’t provide it for ourselves.
It’s the gift of presence.