I was browsing through an airport bookstore a few years ago, and a display by the register caught my eye.
It was a rack of about 20 small booklets, kind of like a greeting card rack. Each booklet had the same title – except for one word:
“How to Fake Your Way Through a Conversation about _______________.”
Each one focused on a different topic, like Football, the Stock Market, Fine Wine, Art Appreciation, Golf, Luxury Cars, or even Barbeque Techniques.
I remember thinking, That’s an interesting idea. If someone isn’t great at making conversation, this could be like a cheat sheet. Just memorize a few key phrases, and “boom” – instant confidence in social situations.
But to me, that sounds like a lot of work – and can actually make conversations harder.
Sure, learning a few buzz words and ideas might help for small talk. But it can be exhausting to pretend you’re something you’re not.
It’s hard to have real conversations when you’re faking it.
There’s a Better Way
Seeing those booklets made me realize just how many people struggle with basic conversational skills. They often feel like the ability to start a conversation is a skill you’re either born with or not – like curly hair or good handwriting. They feel stuck.
They’re not stuck.
Anyone can learn the basics of confident conversation — and with a little practice, you can feel comfortable talking to anyone – without needing a mental library of mental topics.
Shortly after that, I wrote a book for those people called How to Communicate with Confidence. I didn’t expect a lot of people to buy it, but it’s become my second best-selling book – over 100,000 copies purchased (so far).
I guess it scratched an itch for a lot of people! It turns out that learning how talk to anyone with confidence is something a lot of people want help with.
And here’s the thing: This isn’t just an introvert struggle.
- Extroverts are often great at talking, but sometimes wonder why their conversations don’t feel meaningful.
- Introverts are often great at listening, but struggle to start a conversation and keep it going.
Both of those are amazing skills. But what if we could combine them?
At its core, great conversation comes down to three basic things:
People struggle in three areas:
- How to START a conversation
- How to KEEP a conversation going
- How to END a conversation smoothly
Let’s start with the first one.
The Hardest Part: Getting Started
When a rocket launches into space, it burns about 90 percent of its fuel in the first few minutes to escape the earth’s gravity.
Once it’s beyond the atmosphere, the rest of the journey takes way less energy.
Starting a conversation can feel the same way. It seems to take 90 percent of our energy just to make the initial contact because:
- We’re not sure how to start a conversation.
- We don’t know what to say first.
- We don’t know if the other person even wants to talk.
- We’re not sure how to approach them.
False Assumptions
Here’s something important: An effective conversation begins before the first word is spoken.
We size each other up based on each other’s body language or facial expressions, deciding if someone seems open or unapproachable. But here’s the catch:
We’re not always right.
There’s a difference in what we observe and how we interpret what we observe.
I was teaching a seminar a few years ago, and there was an older participant in the front row who was obviously bored. He would sigh loudly during the session, roll his eyes occasionally, and avoid eye contact.
His body language and facial expressions seemed to say, “I’d rather be anywhere but here.”
I figured his manager had forced him to attend.
But at the end of the day, he walked up to me, shook my hand and – without a hit of emotion — said:
“Thank you. Best class I’ve ever attended. Changed my life.”
I thought he was joking.
He continued: “I’m in charge of accounting for this company worldwide. I’m bringing 45 accountants to Tulsa for a conference in a couple of months. Would you come teach this session for them?”
That experience taught me something important: We don’t always interpret people’s signals correctly.
If someone has their arms crossed, we might assume they’re closed off and resistant.
But more often than not?
They’re just cold.
In the next few posts, we’ll keep building confidence in conversations – how to start a conversation, keep itflowing, and end it smoothly. Whether you’re looking to improve social skills or just feel more at ease, you’ll get practical tips to make every conversation more meaningful.
If you’d like to dive deeper, check out How to Communicate with Confidence, a small but powerful paperback I wrote in 2013 that’s still selling strong—because it works! You can find it on Amazon or wherever you get your books.
For a quicker, more bite-sized approach, I updated that book in 2022 into One-Minute Tips for Confident Conversation. This version is packed with 100 simple, practical tips—great for daily practice or a quick refresh. You might even spot it in grocery stores or those spinning racks at Walgreens and CVS! Or just grab a copy on Amazon. (It also makes a great gift for teens or college-bound kids!)
This blog series is based on that content, with a fresh twist. Stay tuned for more!