A lot of the discomfort in relationships comes from our own expectations.
When we first meet someone, we quickly decide what they’re like. Then, we assume it’s accurate. We form those first impressions quickly, and we believe them to be true.
The problem is that we’re evaluating that person from a one-sided perspective. We don’t know their perspective, so we assume it’s the same as ours.
It’s like we’re looking at things through our own lenses—our background, culture, education, experience, language. But the other person is doing the same thing, assuming that we’re thinking the same way they are.
So we both end up with unrealistic expectations of what the relationship will be like.
The Power of Lenses
I say, “It’s going to be hot today.” I grew up in Phoenix, so “hot” means a dry 117 degrees. But if you’re from Atlanta or Anchorage, “hot” takes on an entirely different meaning.
I’m looking through my lenses in a conversation. I know what I’m thinking (117 degrees), and I listen to you through those lenses, assuming that we’re on the same page. I’m listening to you, but it’s from my point of view.
Here’s the problem: We’re both doing the same thing.
If both of us assume that we understand what the other person means with their words, we’re both going to be wrong. We both see our own side clearly and wonder, “It’s so obvious—why don’t they get it?”
The solution is to look through each other’s lenses.
I need to realize that your perspective is different than mine and try to understand how you see things. That doesn’t mean I have to agree with you; it just means I want to see what you see.
If we each take the time to understand where the other is coming from, we lay a foundation for effective relationships.
Proverbs for Perspective
“But that sounds impossible,” you say. “If I’ve spent my whole life looking through my own lenses, and the other person does the same thing, how can we learn to do it differently?”
Good question. And fortunately, a wise man gave us some practical advice. Here’s what King Solomon – considered to be one of the wisest men who ever lived – said several thousand years ago:
- Don’t bring up issues that have already been dealt with in the past.
- Don’t stretch the truth, but be honest in your conversation.
- If someone gets upset, don’t respond with anger.
- Listen carefully, and don’t interrupt until you’ve really heard the other person.
- Look for ways to encourage the other person.
- Pick your battles; avoid arguing whenever possible.
- Put energy into seeing things from the other person’s point of view.
- Spend a lot more time listening than talking.
- Think before you respond to someone.
- Watch carefully what you say so you don’t get yourself in trouble.
These principles are powerful in all of our relationships, including the crazy ones.
That doesn’t mean that if we do the right things and follow these principles then other people will automatically get their act together. We can’t control how they respond, but we can control how we respond to them.
Principles like these can be the foundation on which we base every relationship, no matter what the other person does.
Notice that all of the above principles give instruction to us, not to the other person. It’s all about what we do in relationships, no matter what others do.
That means we develop ways of relating that we use every time, knowing that we might or might not get the response we’re looking for.
Lifeguards are a good illustration of this. They’re trained in the most effective techniques for saving lives, and they use those techniques consistently. They know that they won’t save 100 percent of the people they go after, but it doesn’t stop them from trying.
So in a sense, it’s all about us. We are responsible for our choices, actions, and attitudes – and we can actually change those. That’s not true about other people. We can’t force them to do or feel anything.
What can we do, then, in the lives of others? We can use the most effective tool we have for getting other people to change: influence.
This is Part 3 of a three-part series on keep our relationships from hijacking our sanity. (If you missed Part 1, you can find it here. If you missed Part 2, you can find it here.) It’s based on content found in my book People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys. It’s the most popular of my 10 books, and carries over 1400 positive reviews on Amazon (just under 5 stars). The paperback is on sale on Amazon for $7.69 – but a lot of people grab the audiobook to make it easier to listen to while on the go (and I got to narrate it).