Because I live in a large metropolitan area, I spend a lot of time driving. My career had me working in a different company every day, often fifty to a hundred miles from my home. That meant there would be traffic both directions.
You can’t drive in Southern California without experiencing traffic.
When we first moved here from Phoenix, someone advised, “Don’t let the traffic get to you.” I thought I understood about traffic until the first day I had to drive into downtown Los Angeles. When the freeway was at a standstill, I assumed there must be a terrible accident somewhere ahead.
But then I realized there was no accident; it was just a normal rush hour.
So, I had two options. One would be what a lot of drivers do, which is to get angry and frustrated. They pound the steering wheel, drive recklessly, and yell at other drivers around them. Their emotions are being managed by something they can’t control: the traffic.
I realized that getting upset at the traffic was futile and wouldn’t change anything. That left me with the second option: changing my own response to the traffic.
In the morning, I learned to leave extra early before the worst congestion would hit, then relax at a coffee shop near my destination. In the afternoon, I couldn’t avoid the traffic. But I would choose alternate routes when I could, but accepting the fact that it might not shorten my drive (and even make it worse). I also had relaxing music or audio books to listen to while driving.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
I can’t change the traffic, but I can protect my emotions from being hijacked by that traffic.
It’s important to know what we can control and what we can’t control. When we confuse the two, we set ourselves up for frustration.
For instance, I can choose the color of the car I purchase, but I can’t control if someone else likes it or not. I can control the choices I make in raising my kids, but I can’t control the choices they make as they move toward adulthood.
When we see people we care about making bad choices, we want to fix them so they’ll make good choices.
But what happens when they don’t?
It’s unhealthy to be at the mercy of what someone else does or doesn’t do. We can’t control the choices and attitudes of others.
The only thing we really have control over is our own choices and attitudes.
When we take responsibility for our own choices, we gain greater influence in other people’s lives. When we focus on things we can’t do anything about, we lose influence with others.
We give away our joy and our sense of self to their weaknesses.
Can People Really Change?
Is change actually possible? The simple answer is “yes” – people can change.
No matter how long they’ve been a certain way, there is always hope. People can grow and change as the currents of life take them in new directions. We don’t want to throw up our arms and say, “It’s hopeless. They’ll never change.”
We might just be the catalyst in that person’s life, influencing them to become more than they currently are.
The bigger question is, “Will they change?” There’s no simple answer for that one, because we don’t know what choices they might make in the future.
There is always hope, but there are never guarantees.
If we’re going to avoid becoming victims of other people’s craziness, it’s critical to operate from a dual perspective: hope and realism.
Without hope, maintaining the relationship seems futile.
Without realism, we set ourselves up for the probability of disappointment.
Without balancing the two views, we lose our ability to make choices that are healthy.
Yes, people can change. People might change. But it’s their choice; only they can do the changing. We can’t take responsibility for their choices.
When we do, we feel the frustration that comes when other people don’t cooperate with our plans, and we end up yelling at the toaster oven.
This is Part 1 of a three-part series on keep our relationships from hijacking our sanity during the holidays. It’s based on content found in my book People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys. It’s the most popular of my 10 books, and carries almost 1400 positive review on Amazon (just under 5 stars). The paperback is on sale on Amazon for 7.69 – but a lot of people grab the audiobook to make it easier to listen to while on the go (and I got to narrate it).
One person told me they wrapped several copies to give away anonymously at their holiday work party – the gift exchange. They were hoping “certain people” would receive them. When they were opened, they became the most “stolen” part of the game! Clever . . .
Grab your copy now, and you’ll have tools to thrive during this holiday season!