There are several restaurants in various countries around the world where everyone eats in complete darkness.
You can’t see the food you’re eating, the people you’re sitting with, or anything going on around you.
The servers are often blind or visually impaired, and the meal is designed to help sighted people experience what it’s like for people who can’t see.
It’s also a sensory experience – where one sense is blocked so the other senses are heightened for the meal.
Think about how that fits with communication.
If you’re in person with someone at a coffee shop, you get to use all of your senses to know what’s going on:
- Sight – you see the other person.
- Hearing – you can listen to them.
- Touch – you can shake hands and feel objects on the table.
- Smell – you can smell the coffee and food.
- Taste – you can sample the food.
When you’re on a virtual call, you’re down to two senses:
- Sight – you see people on the screen.
- Hearing – you can listen to people speak.
When you’re on a phone call, it’s one sense:
- Hearing – you listen to them.
When you’re communicating through email, texts or social media, you’re down to zero senses:
- There’s no input from the other person as you’re writing, so it’s completely one-sided until they respond.
- You can’t see their facial expressions or body language when you’re sharing, so you don’t know what they’re thinking.
Which one is most effective?
Let’s split them up. Today, let’s compare email and phone. Next time we’ll look at in-person and virtual.
Which of these sounds more like you?
“I’m a phone person. Email takes too much time, because I can talk faster than I can type. In a live conversation, we work through the issue and we’re done. If you email me, I’m just going to pick up the phone and call you.”
“I’m an email person. I hate talking on the phone, because I need longer to process something before responding. Email lets me think, then write – and edit my response to make sure I’ve thought through it carefully. If you leave me a voice mail, I’ll probably respond with an email or text.”
Who’s right?
“I am, of course,” you say. “If they could just see the logic, they’d see it my way.”
They’re thinking the same thing.
But everybody is different.
For example:
Extroverts tend to prefer connecting by phone, because they think while talking out loud. They usually come up with a response quickly, and they think well on their feet. It just makes sense to them to call, and they can’t understand why everyone else doesn’t do it the same way.
Introverts tend to prefer email or texting, because they think before communicating. They have to listen, then process what they’ve heard before responding. In a phone conversation, they usually think of exactly what to say about 10 minutes after the conversation is over.
The problem comes when we think our way is better than their way.
It’s not. It’s just different.
Most people can do both, but they’re much more comfortable with one over the other.
Let’s look at the advantages of both.
Phone calls are perfect when you need information right away. They also allow you to have a back-and-forth conversation (which can take forever by email, waiting for responses).
On the other hand, you can’t reach someone right away if they’re in a meeting or a lunch engagement or other inconvenient time to talk. There’s also the risk of interrupting them, since you don’t know if they’re in the middle of something and will end up rushing the conversation.
Pick up the phone when:
- the issue is time sensitive
- the issue itself is sensitive, such as an apology
- there’s a need for empathy
- others need to be copied
- you need to collaborate on ideas
Email gives you a chance to clarify your message with precision before you send it – and gives them time to think before responding as well. You don’t have to make the small talk that often starts phone calls. The other person often gets your email right away since they’re reading on their smartphone, so they can give you a quick response as appropriate. You also get a digital record of the conversation which can clarify decisions and commitments in the future.
The downside is that it’s hard to get exactly the tone you want in writing, so the other person can think you’re upset when you’re not. You don’t get the back-and-forth dialogue, so you could spend the whole afternoon writing multiple emails to get closure. If you’re in written dialogue with a phone person, you could easily frustrate them because it’s taking so long.
Put it in writing when you:
- need time to craft your thoughts accurately
- have lots of detail
- you’re not in a rush
- you need written documentation
- you’re just giving quick updates
Usually, there’s value in combining both approaches.
If you’re worried about calling someone at an inappropriate time, send a quick email letting them know you’d like to connect and seeing what time would work for them.
If you’re sharing detailed information that you’ve written out, give them a quick call to let them know that you just sent it, and to get back with you after they’ve had a chance to look it over.
So, which method should you use?
Consider these perspectives:
- Recognize that both methods have their strong and weak points. If you’re a phone person, get really good at using email. If you’re an email person, spend time honing your phone skills. You’ll still have your favorite, but you want to be able to do either one as the need arises.
- Accept someone else’s preference without critiquing it. They won’t change, and you’ll get frustrated if you try. Changing an extrovert into an introvert (or vice-versa) is like teaching a turtle to fly.
- Take a customer service approach. Customer service means you meet your customer’s needs, not your own. If someone calls you, call them back. If they email you, email them back. If they text you, text them back. Notice how they communicate with you the most often, then use that method to reach out to them.
- Build relationships in person, maintain them electronically. Don’t forget to have coffee with that person occasionally. Nothing substitutes for being in each other’s presence.
- Electronic relationships are good for staying in touch between live contacts. Rotate between phone and email contact occasionally, and even drop in an occasional Zoom call to connect. It’s not the same as being in person, but at least you see facial expressions.
This might seem like a simple issue that’s not worth discussing. But I’ve had it brought up dozens (if not hundreds) of times in my seminars, and with fairly strong emotion.
That’s why it’s worth exploring.
Next time, we’ll do the same with face-to-face, in-person conversations vs. virtual conversations. That one might seem obvious, but I think you’ll be surprised at some of the data that’s coming out.
So, how do you prefer to communicate with others – and why? Feel free to comment, or send me your thoughts at mike@mikebechtle.com. (Of course, if you’re a phone person, you probably won’t want to write your comments. If I had a call-in number, you’d be all over it . . . !)