Someone once asked me, “How much extra time do you think we would have if we weren’t trying to get people to like us?”

I tried to ignore the question like it didn’t apply to me.  But I “felt” it.  I found myself pondering it much longer than I expected.

Over the next few days I started asking myself questions:

How concerned am I about what others think of me?

How many choices do I make based on what other people think?

Does my self-worth come from their approval?

Do I hesitate to share my feelings because others might get upset?

Have I put myself last on my list of priorities?

Teenagers are a good example.  They wrestle with these questions because they’re exploring their identity.  They’re trying to find out who they are, and their main input is the reactions of others.  It feels good when people like them, and it feels bad when they don’t.

So they behave in ways that will get the positive reactions.  Over time, it becomes a pattern – where their self-worth is based on the reactions of others.

If they do it long enough, they get addicted to the approval of others.

Unfortunately, some of us have never grown past that teenage stage.  Decades later, we spend huge amounts of time and energy shaping our image:

• Our worth comes from pleasing others.
• We lose ourselves and our dreams because people might not agree.
• We feel unlovable if somebody rejects us.
• We say “yes” when we really want to say “no,” doing things out of obligation instead of desire.
• We feel resentful when your needs aren’t met, but we never tell anyone.
• We avoid conflict at all cost.
• We don’t admit when our feelings are hurt.
• We’re crushed for days or weeks after being criticized.
• We need praise to feel good.
• We become perfectionists so there’s nothing to criticize, and people praise us for our performance.

Why Their Opinion Matters

We all want to feel loved and valued.  We want people to accept unconditionally, just the way we are.

At some point, we discover that we can make that happen by putting other people’s needs ahead of our own.  It works, and people respond well to us.  But deep inside, we know that they’re reacting to the image we’ve crafted, not who we really are.

For me, it started in high school.  I saw other students who appeared confident and assumed that I was the only one struggling with self-worth.  So while my friends were getting jobs at McDonald’s or other entry-level positions, I tried to do things that were really different – hoping that it would make me stand out and get their approval:

• My first job was working in the morgue at the Maricopa County Hospital in Phoenix.
• I worked in a music store selling sheet music and instruments.
• I trained with a photo studio and did wedding photography for a few years.
• I learned offset printing and worked in a print shop.
• I got a job as the on-air drive-time host at a local radio station.

I did get the attention of others, and they were amazed at what I was doing.  It felt good, but it didn’t reach far enough inside.  I thought, “OK, but they don’t know what I’m really like.  If they really knew me, they wouldn’t like me.”

Years ago, psychologist Lloyd Ahlem wrote a book called “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?”  The book could be summarized by a single quote:

“I’m afraid to tell you who I am – because if I tell you who I am, you might not like who I am . . . and that’s all I’ve got.”

When our self-worth is on the line, we feel like we only have two choices:

1. Sacrifice ourselves
2. Sacrifice relationships

If our self-worth comes from #2, we’re not willing to give it up.  So we give up #1.

If we do it long enough, we don’t even realize we’re spending a ton of time crafting an image to please others.  It’s simply become “normal.”

A Distorted View

We’ve all seen those mirrors in the “Fun House” at local fairs, where our image is distorted.  One mirror makes us look tall and thin, while another makes us look short and wide.  We see ourselves, but it’s obvious it’s not an accurate reflection.  The problem is the mirror, not us.

We use other people as a mirror.  We see how they react to us, then assume that it’s an accurate reflection.  Instead of recognizing that the reflection is distorted, we try to change ourselves until we get a better reaction.

Here are “truths” about relationships:

• How somebody reacts to us doesn’t make it true.
• How others respond or feel isn’t our responsibility.
• We worry about what others are thinking about us when in reality they’re probably not thinking of us at all.
• The more we value ourselves, the more others will value us.

People-pleasers often feel that they’re showing compassion because they’re focusing on the needs of others.

In reality, it’s selfish.

We’re trying to please others so they’ll like us.  So it’s about us, not them.

We carefully craft an image for people – someone who doesn’t get upset at them, who avoids confrontation, and who they can count on for support.  In the process, we withhold who we really are.  People never get to experience who we really are, so they can’t benefit.

We’re robbing them.  That’s selfish.

Is There Hope?

A life-long pattern of people-pleasing won’t just disappear overnight.  It’s a paradigm that we’ve practiced for so long that we don’t notice it. So it’ll take intentional effort to find healing.

But it’s possible.

“Where do I start?” you ask.  Begin with three simple steps:

First – Recognize the reality

Healing comes from honesty.  See if you can identify with any of the symptoms of people-pleasing found in this article.  If they’re present, be willing to admit that there’s an issue.

Here’s a simple way to check: Look at your to-do list; is it filled with things that other people want you to do?  If so, it’s a sign that you’re operating through a people-pleasing paradigm.

Second – Take a small step

If people are used to you focusing on them, it could be a huge shock if you suddenly focus on yourself instead.  Pick a single activity you could work on, and practice it with others.  Keep it simple, and observe how you feel.  It can be a tiny step toward taking back control:

• Say “no” to some small request. If someone asks for a ride and it’s inconvenient, just tell them you’re not available for this one.  No further explanation.  If you can’t take them, they’ll figure out another way.
• Express an opinion about something simple. When someone asks where you want to go for dinner, don’t say, “Hey, I’m good with anything.”  Give a suggestion that sounds good to you.  You’re not demanding it, just letting your voice be heard.
• Take a stand for something you believe in. Don’t defend it, just express it.  Do it on an issue that’s not volatile to build courage for bigger issues.
• Express a need you have. If you’re stuck on a home project, you’re not imposing if you ask someone to help.  If they can’t do it, don’t take it personally.  You’re not being selfish, and you’ll feel stronger because you asked.
• Set appropriate boundaries for what you’re willing to do. Pick up a copy of the excellent book Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud for clarity on how to make that happen.

Third – Get Help

After you’ve taken a few of these basic steps, you’ll get a taste of what freedom could look like.  You’ll be able to make progress by reading books on the subject and experimenting.  But if it’s been a pattern for years, it takes more than tips and techniques.

If you find mold in a corner of your shower, it’s easy to wipe it off.  But if you discover that the walls are filled with it, you’ll want to call in the experts.  Spending time with a licensed therapist provides the resources needed for quantum leap success.  The bigger the issue, the more valuable professional help will be.

Take the First Step

How much time would you save if you weren’t constantly crafting the way you come across to others?

How would you feel if you were confident in who you are as a person, regardless of the opinion of others?

You’d be free!

Start small, watch what happens, and share your discoveries in the comments below.