Twinkle lights.
Decorations.
Presents.
Music.
Food.
Family.
Drama.
Those last two always seem to go together, don’t they? Whether you’re a fan of the holiday season or not, you’re probably going to (or hosting) some event where the family gets together. There might be “irregular people” there that you only see once a year – the ones you didn’t choose, but you’re related to them. Others you see more often or live with them. They all have different personalities and quirks and temperaments and perspectives on life.
Mix them all together, and you’ll have some level of drama. It doesn’t matter what’s on the table or how great the decorations are; putting family members together can bring out both the best and worst of people.
Christmas is right around the corner. How can you prepare for the inevitable family drama? Consider these suggestions:
Curb your expectations
You want your family gathering to look like a Norman Rockwell painting, but the reality looks more like a Picasso after too much coffee. Give up your desire for everything to be perfect; it won’t be. Families are messy, and that’s OK. If you expect perfection, you’ll end up frustrated. If you assume there will be drama, you’ll be free to respond to it instead of reacting to it.
Have a purpose
Why are you getting together? It’s not like a high school reunion where you’re trying to lose weight and impress everyone with your accomplishments. It’s a time to celebrate the fact that you’re related (which might sound like an oxymoron). Decide before the event what you’d like to accomplish. Maybe you want to spend quality time with a distant relative you enjoy; maybe you want to give a word of encouragement to everyone you connect with; maybe you’ll stay behind the scenes in the kitchen instead of engaging in constant conversations. Make a simple plan and stick to it.
Don’t try to fix anybody
It’s hard enough to change ourselves; what makes us think we can change anyone else – especially in a single event? If you have snarky or sarcastic relatives, they’ve been that way for a long time. If you challenge them, it will simply add fuel to their fire. For today, accept them as they are and change the subject.
Listen with intent
If you don’t want to engage in a potentially volatile conversation, simply say, “Sorry – I’m not going there today.” Repeat as needed without explanation. If you want to engage, avoid a social media-type conversation (where both sides present their positions to convince the other person they’re wrong). Ask questions to gain more understanding: “Tell me more.” Don’t counter their position; just listen to understand. When people feel listened to, they can respect each other in spite of differences.
Don’t take comments personally
When someone says something that pushes your buttons, remind yourself that it says something about them, not you. It’s their opinion or their lack of appropriateness, not your reality. Change the subject or simply walk away. Fires die down if you don’t add fuel. As King Solomon said, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
Avoid having to be right
When someone shares a strong opinion you don’t agree with, there are no laws that require you to engage them and win the argument. Some people have mastered the art of picking a fight; don’t play their game. Let them have their opinion without challenging them. If you’re tempted to engage, ask yourself “Why?” What purpose will it serve, especially since your chance of changing their mind is about as good as becoming taller?
Avoid hot topics
In today’s society, there are a ton of things to talk about – most of them volatile. Instead of just letting those topics become the agenda for conversation, be proactive about asking questions:
- “What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?”
- “If you could accomplish just one new thing this next year, what would you pick?”
- “What’s happening at work?”
- “Do you think you’ll stay at your current job for a long time? What would make you change?”
- “If time and money were no object, what would you do?”
- “Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert?”
Be intentional so you can steer positive conversations instead of letting them drift to the lowest common point.
Be an observer
Be completely aware of what’s going on so you can be in complete control of how you respond to others. Stay in “observation mode,” taking a “fly on the wall” approach where you simply observe people instead of taking things personally.
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Does that mean you can never talk to family members about tough or important issues? Of course not. We’re just talking about options for keeping your sanity during a single event on a single day. There will be plenty of opportunities to deal with other issues.
The late pianist Viktor Borge said, “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
Pick just one of these ideas to try when your family gets together. It might not make everyone behave any better, but at least you’ll have a new perspective for enjoying the day!
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Need practical help for navigating tough conversations? Grab a copy of my book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication. Maybe it should be a stocking stuffer for everyone . . .