Why do some people intimidate us, but not others?
It doesn’t matter how confident we feel; there are just some people we get tongue-tied around:
- It might be their position, their personality or their power.
- It could be that they just know how to push our buttons, and we don’t know how to respond.
- It often happens when we’re taken off-guard, and we run into that person when we’re not expecting to.
The first time I met our CEO was in the restroom.
In fact, I’ve met the CEO of the last two companies I’ve worked for in the restroom.
I’ve also met two major celebrities in hotel restrooms.
Each time, it was intimidating. I knew who they were, but I hadn’t planned on running into them. When it happened, I found myself at a loss for coherent words. I wanted to make a good impression, and I have no idea what I said.
In each case, after we walked out, I thought of 100 different things I should have said instead of whatever I mumbled.
Why is it that we’re intimidated in the presence of certain people? Why do we get tongue-tied in their presence, while we feel confident around others?
It’s something that happens in our heads.
Other people don’t really intimidate us; it comes from how we perceive them.
It’s a matter of comparison:
- If we see them as better than us, they’re “up there” and we’re “down here.”
- If we see them as the same as us, we’re on level ground.
Our friends, peers, and co-workers know us well, and we’ve built a relationship. We see them as they really are, and we’ve learned to be comfortable. We’re not intimidated, because we’re on common ground.
It’s the people we don’t know well that tend to intimidate us. It might be a boss or client, or it could be an authority figure like a police officer or a judge. To an introvert, it could be an extrovert. It could be a well-known leader or a forceful family member.
We don’t see them as being like us. There’s no common ground. If we know we’ll be meeting with them, anxiety hits. We feel like we’re not good enough, or smart enough, or interesting enough to have a meaningful conversation with them. We’re already assuming that we’ll be embarrassed or that they’ll reject us.
Are all those things true?
It doesn’t matter – it’s what we believe . . . and we act on that belief.
The problem is that we’re comparing our lives – which we know – with their lives – which we don’t know.
If we got to know them, we’d start to see their flaws, and their struggles and their fears. We’d see that they wrestle with parenting issues and finances and people they find intimidating. We’d see them as real people with real issues that are simply different than ours.
In other words, we’d see their humanity.
Someone said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
Winning against Intimidation
How can we overcome our intimidation of others? By challenging our perception.
Psychologist Daniel Amen refers to this process as ANTs: Automatic Negative Thoughts. These are the thoughts that come into our minds automatically and ruin our day. Dr. Amen says, “They should have taught us in second grade that we don’t have to believe every stupid thought that comes into our head. We have the ability to challenge those thoughts.”
He suggests that whenever we feel nervous, intimidated or out of control, we should do two things:
- Write down the negative thoughts (which gets them out of our head).
- Ask if they’re true.
One way to change our thoughts is to notice them when they’re negative and talk back to them. If you can correct negative thoughts, you take away their power over you. If we don’t challenge those thoughts, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it. (My favorite book on how to do that is Jon Acuff’s Soundtracks – and the version his daughters wrote for teens called Your New Playlist. So good . . .)
Whenever you feel intimidated by someone, stop and remind yourself of what’s true:
- Am I intimidated by what they say, or what I think they mean?
- They’re not better or worse than me; they’re human.
- If I’m focusing on the negative, I need to remind myself of the positive.
- I don’t want to assume what they’re thinking; I need to investigate for accuracy.
- I don’t have to compare and be like them; I need to be myself.
Make it Practical
Suppose you knew you might run into your company CEO in an elevator soon, or run into a local celebrity at the grocery store. Decide ahead of time what you could say, instead of making something up on the spot.
What should you say? Most people try to think of some way to impress the other person. That usually backfires, because you’re focusing on you instead of them.
Instead, think of something they’ve said or done recently that made an impact on you – then thank them for it. Be genuine and precise, and make it about them – not you.
Ineffective: “I really enjoyed your presentation last week.”
Effective: “Last week in your presentation, you told about the early failures you had in your career. That was refreshing, and I think we all were energized by your honesty.”
Ineffective: “I watch you on the news every night. I’m so happy to meet you!”
Effective: “When you’re reporting stories of tragedy, you have a calm demeanor that gives us all hope. Thanks for that.”
Ineffective: “Thanks for having us all over. We had a great time.”
Effective: “That was a fun evening. It was great watching the way you connected people based on their interests so they had something to talk about.”
I met comedienne Carol Burnett a few years ago at a book signing she held at a local bookstore. I heard everyone in line telling her how much they loved her, and how long they had been watching, and how funny she was. She was very gracious in responding, even though she’s heard the same comments thousands of times.
When I had the chance to connect briefly, I simply said, “Carol, you’ve brought a lot of joy to our family for a lot of years. Thanks.”
She paused, looked me in the eye and smiled. “Well, that was very kind of you. Thank you for saying that. It means a lot.”
The power of simple, honest gratitude is amazing.
Confidence is in your Head
The people who intimidate us are just like us, but different.
The differences? Our uniqueness. We each have something of value to contribute that nobody else has. It’s not better or worse – just unique.
The sameness? CEO’s and celebrities are human, just like us. It should be obvious since I met them all in a restroom. That’s common ground, and there are plenty of other ways it’s true.
The CEO of our company turned out to be one of the warmest, caring, high-integrity people I’ve ever met. His business acumen is off the charts, and he’s proven his competence. But he cares deeply about everyone in the company, and won’t hesitate to connect with anyone who needs a boost.
When we’re intimidated, it’s usually from our incorrect perceptions. Changing our confidence comes from changing our minds.
Who’s the person you feel intimidated by?
How can you think differently so it doesn’t happen?
This is a revision of a popular article I posted about five years ago. I freshened it up, so check it out – try it out – then send it to someone who might benefit!